I have learned, over the years, that New Year's resolutions are a waste of my time. However well-intentioned they may be, they are rarely carried through by anyone, let alone me. Life-changing events do not occur on any particular schedule, and decisions to change our lives do not usually fit a timed pattern. I have the usual thoughts buzzing around: Get healthier, spend more time with family, live life somewhere other than on Facebook....
Lately I suffer from a great deal of apathy. I've run my inner mental health probe - I don't think I'm depressed, exactly, but general life stresses have made things rather grey, lately. I can't seem to pull myself outside of myself, if you know what I mean. And while the inside of my head is usually a fairly entertaining place, but there is a certain lack of energy there.
Some of it is medical. As the migraines increase, brain function decreases. It takes longer to recover from each of the headaches, and I've had quite a few. The migraine-prevention medications are still exhausting. It makes me sad to think that this might be as good as it gets. I'm asking my neurologist about Botox on my next visit.
Some of it is stress. Changes at work, coupled with my Mom's ongoing decline certainly take a toll. The ongoing need to keep up two houses, and keeping up on Babygirl's medications as well as Mom's (and mine!) add a certain tension.
Much of it is a lack of control. There is no way off this ride right now. No downtime, no running away, no escape. The chaos at work means that I am working at home, every day, even Christmas, so that I don't get hopelessly behind. Taking a day away from my Mom requires a large amount of planning ahead, so no spontaneous runs off for a weekend with Hubby and Babygirl.
Some of it is a lack of support. Hubby and Babygirl and I work together and keep things running, but there are no offers of help from outside the three of us. We can get help if we ASK, but there is that planning ahead thing again. And really, should I have to ask? Much as I love my girls and want them to visit and feel free to do laundry here, nothing would make me feel more blessed than coming home from work to an unexpectedly clean house - or at least a house that isn't in any worse condition than when I left.
I frankly hate feeling this way. I want my energy, spunk, and joie de vivre back. But I don't really have the energy to go looking for them.