Loosening.....

 Babygirl and I are at the beach this week. Two of my very best friends have been here as well. There has been conversation. Crying. Laughing. Storytelling. Remembering.

Babygirl has been coming to this beach town since she was 3. She potty trained here.  She learned to swim in the community pool.  She ran and played with her cousins and sisters.  With the exception of 2020 (Covid) and 2022 (dialysis) we have been here.

This week is "off season." It's delightfully quiet and un-crowded.  But there are no lifeguards.

The ocean has been...variable.  This morning was full of crashing waves.  There were riptide warnings for the first couple of days due to offshore hurricane activity.  The weather has been entirely lovely, if hot.

We have been in and out of the water. Each of the 3 of us who like the ocean has had a solid "tumble" of the kind that gets your attention but makes you laugh. I was in the water with Babygirl early this afternoon, but the look of the pre-dinner waves made me uncomfortable. I can generally get in, but it's getting harder for me to get out.

I got caught in a riptide once.  It was one of the most frightening experiences I've ever had.  There was a moment when I was contemplating how much it might hurt to breathe in salt water, and the simultaneous realization that I might not have a choice.

Babygirl looked things over and went in.  I sat on shore, letting the ebb and flow of the water push me around while I watched her.  Wanting to call her in but realizing I had no good reason to do so.  Wanting to protect her. Wanting.....

Like it or not she is a full grown woman. She is not careless of herself. She is fully capable of taking control of her own choices and safety. She has survived more "riptides" in her life than I ever will. 

It took far too long for my observation of her to change from the quality of Mom-Protecting-Toddler to Mom-Relaxing. I had to consciously loosen my hold. Loosen my muscles. Loosen my apron strings. Loosen my heart. 

Everyone who knows me well knows that I can hold more than one thing at a time in different "compartments."  The "worry about Babygirl" compartment has been quite busy for quite some time now.  I'm far overdue to recognize that she is already carrying her own weight here, and because of that I don't have to carry so much. Like the tide, however. my ability to loosen my heartstrings will ebb and flow.  

DeeDee