Since our false alarm phone call last Saturday, hubby and I have been dealing with the letdown. But for each of us there is a new layer of "dealing." I'm not sure why, exactly. And I know it's different for both of us, and neither of us can really articulate it very well.
I haven't slept since Saturday, except for Tuesday night when I took a Benedryl. Since I don't work Wednesdays I figured I could deal with the hangover that sedatives always leave me. And the added bonus of the Benedryl was that is took away the hives I developed for no apparent reason. My scalp was itching so badly I had the office nurses checking me for head lice. I lie awake mostly, dozing sometimes, and see the time pass in minutes or hours on my alarm clock. And then I oversleep. And hubby has disappeared from bed several times to go to the Man Cave to watch TV or play a game, only to come back to bed a couple of hours later.
I've never really been an insomniac. Medical residency trains you to fall asleep quickly whenever the opportunity presents itself. So why won't the hamster wheels inside my brain stop running?
I can't say I feel disappointed - that is far too simple a term. Let down, like some people feel if their spouse forgets an anniversary. It's almost like I felt the year my husband was in the hospital and there was nothing in my stocking for Christmas - empty somehow. Unnoticed. Un-cared for.
So who, exactly, has let me down, failed to notice or care? I would like to be able to say that my faith is stable enough to take what is, in the grand scheme of things, a momentary disappointment. I am back, in a way, to yelling at God about how much I love Babygirl, how important and special she is, how much she MATTERS - as if she doesn't matter just as much to God. And in my deepest heart, I know "All is well, and all is well, and all manner of things shall be well."
But I want Babygirl to be well. And I want it NOW.
DeeDee
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