Mindfullness. I remember that word - being fully where you are, focused on NOW and not the gajillion or so things that you coudn't possible have any impact on by moving your focus to them anyway.
I'm still not very good at it.
Last night was another essentially sleepless one. The insomnia feels somewhat random to me, although I notice that it seems to occur on nights when I know I have to be driving a lot the next day. But I suspect last night was simply leftover adrenaline. The mention of the possibility of another hospital stay definitely squeezed my adrenal glands. And the fact that I wasted time trying to explain my feelings to my older brother made me more wound up.
For the most part I have accepted where I can and cannot get support. I know that my mom's dementia is advancing, and no longer try to redirect her when she asks the same question a hundred times, and rarely update her on day-to-day data because she can remember feeling bad about things, but not WHY she feels bad. I have good friends, one brother who expresses empathy, and a wonderful hubby. But the fact of the matter is that we rarely come down here together, so we both face most of the processing without each other.
I think I needed to just have a good cry, and it happened that I needed to do it when I was with someone who couldn't respond to that need. So although I didn't actually feel like crying in the night, I would have been better off if I could have. Poor hubby - it will all fall on him later one way or another, but he is without question one of the most empathetic people I know, so it will all work out.
So for today, here is my goal: To let it go. It's the Fourth. I'm going to make an awesome fruit salad that Babygirl can actually eat. I'm going to take her and my niece and nephew to one of the coolest parades around, eat food that's deliciously bad for me and enjoy the company of people I don't get to see nearly often enough. I'm going to ogle the Bolivian dancers and laugh at the Mummers and the Librarian's Drill Team (yeah, seriously - librarians marching with book carts - they rock). I'm likely to have a drink in a red Solo cup. And I've downloaded a coupon for 20% off at Perkins for the home journey. And I've made the home journey on the night of the Fourth many a time - we'll see fireworks all the way home from the tops of the mountains.
You know, I think putting that plan into writing just dropped my blood pressure about 20 points.