Yesterday I arrived home to discover that the dining room table had ALL the leaves in. And it was covered in pizza boxes. And it was surrounded by family. And then an old friend from High School popped out of the kitchen: "Surprise!"
What would have been an ordinary weeknight turned into a weekend. No, a vacation day! Pizza was eaten, wings enjoyed (well, not by Boo - spicy doesn't work for her yet). Stories of times that feel like just a moment ago but that predate the birth of more than half the people at the table. "Remember how our social studies teacher thought we were the cutest couple she ever met and always let us leave even though we didn't have music lessons and we weren't actually EVER a couple?" "Remember the roller-coaster roads and how we used to drive?" "Remember......?"
The kids seemed bemused by the idea of all of us adults being in High School. They listened to the stories, and laughed at what we used to get away with.
And then the guitars and the wine came out. Folk songs, silly songs, songs about life and death and making love and friendship, all with two to three guitars playing and three or more part harmony. Laughter. Joy. Peace. Friends.
I'm not sure when we went to bed, but it was reluctantly, and late. And despite the lack of sleep (and the wine!) I was energized in the morning, and survived a busy day at work.
People ask Hubby and I how we "deal with everything." It isn't easy, not at all. But nights like last night make it possible to continue hoping and keep moving down the road we travel. A few hours can make a world of difference.
Thanks, guys. Thanks.
DeeDee
Showing posts with label stress management. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress management. Show all posts
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Night Off.....
Babygirl and Hubby are driving off to Philly without me tonight. They'll be seeing the transplant team and coming home on Thursday (Lord willing and the numbers don't rise). I'm on my own for an entire evening.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I love spending time with them more than anything. But now and again I like to just be alone inside my own head. I'll finish my workday, go to Bible study, and then, if I feel like it, I'll do some shopping. Or not. Or maybe not for groceries or Christmas, just for me....oh, wait, I HATE that kind of shopping, never mind!
I can check out Ollie's and see if they have any cheap interesting books. I can go home, light a fire and enjoy the Christmas tree. I can take a walk and check out my neighbors' lights.
It's nice to have a stretch of time (however brief) where there is no concrete plan, no pressing 'to do' list, no one pulling on my pant leg begging for attention or food. However lovely it is to be needed, however fulfilling it is to be necessary; it's equally lovely to let the weight of the responsibility slide off my shoulders and rest somewhere, ANYwhere, else.
DeeDee
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I love spending time with them more than anything. But now and again I like to just be alone inside my own head. I'll finish my workday, go to Bible study, and then, if I feel like it, I'll do some shopping. Or not. Or maybe not for groceries or Christmas, just for me....oh, wait, I HATE that kind of shopping, never mind!
I can check out Ollie's and see if they have any cheap interesting books. I can go home, light a fire and enjoy the Christmas tree. I can take a walk and check out my neighbors' lights.
It's nice to have a stretch of time (however brief) where there is no concrete plan, no pressing 'to do' list, no one pulling on my pant leg begging for attention or food. However lovely it is to be needed, however fulfilling it is to be necessary; it's equally lovely to let the weight of the responsibility slide off my shoulders and rest somewhere, ANYwhere, else.
DeeDee
Saturday, November 24, 2012
The Aftermath....
Nineteen people, including the babies, sat down for Thanksgiving dinner at my house. We can seat ten luxuriously at our dinner table. Twelve can eat in comfort. Fourteen might be okay if we were a family of, um, smaller proportions, but we are big people of German extraction and we like our space.
Each year we try to reconfigure things. We've tried a kids' table (they hated it). We've stretched tables through doorways into a second room (it works but no one in the other room can leave that room until dinner is over. The weak bladdered among us must choose wisely). This year we removed the coffee table, put a piece of plywood on sawhorses in the living room, added tablecloths and voila! We had seating. We called it the 'young families' table. All the young couples with babies fit there without difficulty, and Babygirl decided to add herself to that table. That left the older families (with one nine year old) at the other table. There was a clear line of vision from one table to the other, they physical separation being about four feet.
Socially, it was an unqualified success. And we had one chair to spare.
Last night was Leftover Night. I put most of the leftovers into crock pots to heat, and the rest into the oven. It's a very low-stress meal. I baked the two extra pumpkin pies, and at Babygirl's request, made some apple crisp. All the deserts went on the table, and the rest were in the kitchen to be served buffet style. Everyone who arrived early started with desert LOL! We had ten people happy and fed, and spent the evening playing games and music.
Fitted in between, and for much of this morning, was the cleanup. You can't have sixteen extra people in your house without creating a spectacular amount of trash, dust and dirt. I haven't been killing myself, but I've still put a significant amount of time into the cleanup, as well as the usual household chores.
So for the rest of today, it's about me. I'm going to get a pedicure, shop in my favorite store, and relax. Don't look for me. I have no interest in being found.
DeeDee
Each year we try to reconfigure things. We've tried a kids' table (they hated it). We've stretched tables through doorways into a second room (it works but no one in the other room can leave that room until dinner is over. The weak bladdered among us must choose wisely). This year we removed the coffee table, put a piece of plywood on sawhorses in the living room, added tablecloths and voila! We had seating. We called it the 'young families' table. All the young couples with babies fit there without difficulty, and Babygirl decided to add herself to that table. That left the older families (with one nine year old) at the other table. There was a clear line of vision from one table to the other, they physical separation being about four feet.
Socially, it was an unqualified success. And we had one chair to spare.
Last night was Leftover Night. I put most of the leftovers into crock pots to heat, and the rest into the oven. It's a very low-stress meal. I baked the two extra pumpkin pies, and at Babygirl's request, made some apple crisp. All the deserts went on the table, and the rest were in the kitchen to be served buffet style. Everyone who arrived early started with desert LOL! We had ten people happy and fed, and spent the evening playing games and music.
Fitted in between, and for much of this morning, was the cleanup. You can't have sixteen extra people in your house without creating a spectacular amount of trash, dust and dirt. I haven't been killing myself, but I've still put a significant amount of time into the cleanup, as well as the usual household chores.
So for the rest of today, it's about me. I'm going to get a pedicure, shop in my favorite store, and relax. Don't look for me. I have no interest in being found.
DeeDee
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Week Eighty-one - Redefining Eternity....
As we continue the countdown to Monday's upcoming visit with the headache specialist, I begin to understand the concept of eternity.
Eternity exists outside of time. My clocks still tick of seconds and minutes, and they are all theoretically of the same length, one compared to another. But think about how time passes while you sleep. There is very little sense of time passing, yet you fall asleep in one day and wake up in another.
This wait is the opposite of that. Watching your child suffer takes you outside of time and into a new, eternal dimension that makes each second expand exponentially into something that touches on forever. Everytime I see those sunglasses, time slows, and slows, and slows. We go through what is now a nearly daily routine - check temperature, check blood pressure, use the one-to-ten pain scale to evaluate neck and head pain. I check for true signs of meningitis DAILY, and sometimes more than three times in a day. It makes me late for work. It makes my heart pause whenever my phone rings. It makes me crazed and fearful. It makes me feel helpless, and alone.
Babygirl and I have more or less reached a point of apathy. We go through the motions, take medications, push fluids and rest. And we wait.
Four more days.
Perhaps Hell is like this. Eternal helplessness. Eternal anxiety. Eternal loss of hope. We don't need real flames to feel the burn.
DeeDee
Eternity exists outside of time. My clocks still tick of seconds and minutes, and they are all theoretically of the same length, one compared to another. But think about how time passes while you sleep. There is very little sense of time passing, yet you fall asleep in one day and wake up in another.
This wait is the opposite of that. Watching your child suffer takes you outside of time and into a new, eternal dimension that makes each second expand exponentially into something that touches on forever. Everytime I see those sunglasses, time slows, and slows, and slows. We go through what is now a nearly daily routine - check temperature, check blood pressure, use the one-to-ten pain scale to evaluate neck and head pain. I check for true signs of meningitis DAILY, and sometimes more than three times in a day. It makes me late for work. It makes my heart pause whenever my phone rings. It makes me crazed and fearful. It makes me feel helpless, and alone.
Babygirl and I have more or less reached a point of apathy. We go through the motions, take medications, push fluids and rest. And we wait.
Four more days.
Perhaps Hell is like this. Eternal helplessness. Eternal anxiety. Eternal loss of hope. We don't need real flames to feel the burn.
DeeDee
Sunday, October 21, 2012
I've Got A Penguin.....
"I'm dead! Quick, freeze me!"
"Stop jumping on my head!"
"Could you please pop my bubble?"
"I've got a penguin but I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT!!!!"
When the kids were little, we didn't allow video games. We didn't have cable. We had a good video collection, and rented new ones as needed. I always felt that the games were a bad idea - they discourage exercise, and limit imagination. And commercial TV was just that - endless commercials, creating a desire for things that were neither necessary nor healthy.
When the foster kids arrived, LittleMan considered his older sister to be his mom. He slept with her, and it was her job to keep him quiet so biomom could do whatever biomom did. We decided, that at five years of age, he was old enough to learn to sleep alone; and she was too young, at thirteen, to have to be his 'mom'. The first night, he cried for his sister for 45 minutes. Then, he began to beg for a video game. Not his mom. Not the grandma he'd been living with before we got them. A VIDEO game. It was how he calmed himself down, and how she'd kept him quiet. It confirmed for us that we were on the right track in forbidding these things.
But time goes on, and things change, and when the Wii came out, we decided that this might be the exception to the no-video-games rule. The games we chose were things that the family could do together - bowling tournaments, darts, tennis and the like. Rock Band Hero was played by up to four people and taught the kids to appreciate some classic rock. And all the games required movement, so no zombie-like screen-gazing.
A couple of years ago, I bought a more traditional game, Mario. None of my kids had ever played it before but it looked interesting because it could be played by up to four people at one time. I've never played, but it's hysterical to watch the kids play it, and pretty funny just to listen in.
By the way, you need to throw your penguin at the fish.
DeeDee
"Stop jumping on my head!"
"Could you please pop my bubble?"
"I've got a penguin but I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT!!!!"
When the kids were little, we didn't allow video games. We didn't have cable. We had a good video collection, and rented new ones as needed. I always felt that the games were a bad idea - they discourage exercise, and limit imagination. And commercial TV was just that - endless commercials, creating a desire for things that were neither necessary nor healthy.
When the foster kids arrived, LittleMan considered his older sister to be his mom. He slept with her, and it was her job to keep him quiet so biomom could do whatever biomom did. We decided, that at five years of age, he was old enough to learn to sleep alone; and she was too young, at thirteen, to have to be his 'mom'. The first night, he cried for his sister for 45 minutes. Then, he began to beg for a video game. Not his mom. Not the grandma he'd been living with before we got them. A VIDEO game. It was how he calmed himself down, and how she'd kept him quiet. It confirmed for us that we were on the right track in forbidding these things.
But time goes on, and things change, and when the Wii came out, we decided that this might be the exception to the no-video-games rule. The games we chose were things that the family could do together - bowling tournaments, darts, tennis and the like. Rock Band Hero was played by up to four people and taught the kids to appreciate some classic rock. And all the games required movement, so no zombie-like screen-gazing.
A couple of years ago, I bought a more traditional game, Mario. None of my kids had ever played it before but it looked interesting because it could be played by up to four people at one time. I've never played, but it's hysterical to watch the kids play it, and pretty funny just to listen in.
By the way, you need to throw your penguin at the fish.
DeeDee
Friday, September 28, 2012
The Spot.....
Babygirl returned to school today for the first time since Godzilla stomped into her on Sunday (see previous post LOL). She lasted until the end of third period. Thanks, Nancy, for going to rescue her from the nurse's office!
So, to make us all feel better, Babygirl used her one of the many gifts she received at her Make-A-Wish party to take hubby and I out for dessert tonight! I had a cherry cheese puff. Hubby had baklava, and Babygirl chose a brownie sundae. We all had coffee, and had another fascinating conversation about Spandex.
It was a lovely break after a very tough week.
Thank you, Spot Restaurant, for supporting Make-A-Wish. Everybody go and "Like" The Spot to help us say thanks! http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Spot-Restaurant/113936025297175
DeeDee
So, to make us all feel better, Babygirl used her one of the many gifts she received at her Make-A-Wish party to take hubby and I out for dessert tonight! I had a cherry cheese puff. Hubby had baklava, and Babygirl chose a brownie sundae. We all had coffee, and had another fascinating conversation about Spandex.
It was a lovely break after a very tough week.
Thank you, Spot Restaurant, for supporting Make-A-Wish. Everybody go and "Like" The Spot to help us say thanks! http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Spot-Restaurant/113936025297175
DeeDee
Monday, August 6, 2012
Working a Full Week......
I am scheduled to see patients every day this week. I'm pretty proud about it - it's only happened two or three times in the past year or so. But I'm deluding myself if I call this a "full" week. As always, there is something or other that makes it challenging to get in those forty hours.
I started this morning by realizing as I awoke that Babygirl was supposed to get blood work this morning, before her dose of pills. Thankfully we were told we could do it locally even though it will take a few days for the tacrolimus level to show up. Not a problem, except that Babygirl was on a sleepover and took her meds with her! I had to call, wake people up, and go take her to the lab and then return her, all before starting my day.
I left work an hour early to grab my mom and take her to see her doctor. I started calling her at 12:30 and finally woke her up at 3 PM. I told her to take her pills and get ready to go to the doctor. She didn't remember she had an appointment even though I told her twice last week. On the way there she scolded me for taking her. She could go herself, she still drives, remembers where the office is, yada yada yada. I pointed out, as kindly as I could, that she would have slept through her appointment if I hadn't awakened her, and wouldn't have remembered to go. She missed an appointment last week despite instructions on time and place, but I decided not to mention that one.
(As an aside, I have to say that I'm a bit annoyed by the fact that her doctor talks to me rather than her, as if she weren't even in the room. She's not that demented yet, doc - talk to HER. I'll help out when you need me to!)
I got home, made dinner, played a game with Hubby (check out Dominion - it's a great game).
Tomorrow I'm supposed to start with a house call. I forgot to grab the chart, so I'll have to run to the office, pick it up, and then figure out where the heck this place IS. The first house call is always the toughest, but I really like this family so it should be okay.
Tomorrow afternoon I leave work early to have a root canal rechecked. It's fine, but they want to get an x-ray a year after I had it done. It's closer to two years, but hey, I've been occupied!
Next Monday is another Philly day, so no full work week there either.
Thank God we couldn't afford to go to the beach. I don't think I'd have enough paid time off to go!
DeeDee
I started this morning by realizing as I awoke that Babygirl was supposed to get blood work this morning, before her dose of pills. Thankfully we were told we could do it locally even though it will take a few days for the tacrolimus level to show up. Not a problem, except that Babygirl was on a sleepover and took her meds with her! I had to call, wake people up, and go take her to the lab and then return her, all before starting my day.
I left work an hour early to grab my mom and take her to see her doctor. I started calling her at 12:30 and finally woke her up at 3 PM. I told her to take her pills and get ready to go to the doctor. She didn't remember she had an appointment even though I told her twice last week. On the way there she scolded me for taking her. She could go herself, she still drives, remembers where the office is, yada yada yada. I pointed out, as kindly as I could, that she would have slept through her appointment if I hadn't awakened her, and wouldn't have remembered to go. She missed an appointment last week despite instructions on time and place, but I decided not to mention that one.
(As an aside, I have to say that I'm a bit annoyed by the fact that her doctor talks to me rather than her, as if she weren't even in the room. She's not that demented yet, doc - talk to HER. I'll help out when you need me to!)
I got home, made dinner, played a game with Hubby (check out Dominion - it's a great game).
Tomorrow I'm supposed to start with a house call. I forgot to grab the chart, so I'll have to run to the office, pick it up, and then figure out where the heck this place IS. The first house call is always the toughest, but I really like this family so it should be okay.
Tomorrow afternoon I leave work early to have a root canal rechecked. It's fine, but they want to get an x-ray a year after I had it done. It's closer to two years, but hey, I've been occupied!
Next Monday is another Philly day, so no full work week there either.
Thank God we couldn't afford to go to the beach. I don't think I'd have enough paid time off to go!
DeeDee
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Week Sixty-six - Re-entry......
Coming back into the "real world" after any kind of break can be a challenge. We used to see horrible behavior in our foster kids after home visits, something which Hubby and I referred to as "The Re-entry Phenomenon." Switching gears from one thing to another can lead to incredible glitches: The kind of can't-find-my-shoes-my-purse-my-KEYS crap that can make you arrive at work feeling like you've been shot out of a rocket.
Oddly, despite all of the above happening, and my arrival at work a bit late on Monday, the week feels as if it went fairly smoothly. Oh, it was a full-moon kind of week, despite the fact that the moon will be full NEXT week. At least MY keys didn't end up at the bottom of the elevator shaft (they had slipped through the lining of my purse and disappeared). And any week in which Babygirl has no blood work or hospital visits is a good week by definition.
Hubby and I decided that since we drive past an amusement park every single time we are on our way to and from CHOP, and since Babygirl worships 'coasters, that we'd invest in season passes. Babygirl and I broke them in today.
I can unequivocally say that, as much as I have adored roller coasters all of my life, my vestibular system no longer agrees with me. Sad as it is, I may make it through this season with Babygirl, but I'm never going to be able to ride with her like I did with her other sisters.
It was a good day anyway - it took six 'coaster rides before I felt like I was going to toss something, and by that time Babygirl was tired. We left about two minutes before it began to pour, so the timing was excellent!
Doctor visit and blood work in the morning. If it's hot, maybe we'll stop on the way home and use the water park!
DeeDee
Oddly, despite all of the above happening, and my arrival at work a bit late on Monday, the week feels as if it went fairly smoothly. Oh, it was a full-moon kind of week, despite the fact that the moon will be full NEXT week. At least MY keys didn't end up at the bottom of the elevator shaft (they had slipped through the lining of my purse and disappeared). And any week in which Babygirl has no blood work or hospital visits is a good week by definition.
Hubby and I decided that since we drive past an amusement park every single time we are on our way to and from CHOP, and since Babygirl worships 'coasters, that we'd invest in season passes. Babygirl and I broke them in today.
I can unequivocally say that, as much as I have adored roller coasters all of my life, my vestibular system no longer agrees with me. Sad as it is, I may make it through this season with Babygirl, but I'm never going to be able to ride with her like I did with her other sisters.
It was a good day anyway - it took six 'coaster rides before I felt like I was going to toss something, and by that time Babygirl was tired. We left about two minutes before it began to pour, so the timing was excellent!
Doctor visit and blood work in the morning. If it's hot, maybe we'll stop on the way home and use the water park!
DeeDee
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Mission Trip, Day Eight......
Saturday, July 21st
The journey home. Thirteen hours on the road, straight to the church. Lots of talk about what we did, why we did it, and why we want to keep on doing it. Returning to real life seems a little scary, but doable.
My final journal entry:
"I'm tired of talking about it. God's in there somewhere, but I'm tired of figuring out where."
And you know what? It's enough.
DeeDee
The journey home. Thirteen hours on the road, straight to the church. Lots of talk about what we did, why we did it, and why we want to keep on doing it. Returning to real life seems a little scary, but doable.
My final journal entry:
"I'm tired of talking about it. God's in there somewhere, but I'm tired of figuring out where."
And you know what? It's enough.
DeeDee
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Week Sixty-four - Taking A Break......
Since Babygirl's diagnosis of kidney failure in April of 2011, I have really not taken a break from the situation. When I was supposed to be on a mission trip last July, I stayed home to wait for Boo to arrive, painted Babygirl's bedroom and worried about the heat at her camp (http://kidneedsakidney.blogspot.com/2011/07/week-thirteen-surviving-summer.html). When I was supposed to be enjoying our beach vacation, I had daily, fraught reminders of just how NOT normal life had become (http://kidneedsakidney.blogspot.com/2011/08/week-sixteen-beach.html).
We've had three hospitalizations spread out over four months. Since Beach Week I doubt I've worked more than two full weeks, but none of the days I took off (save Memorial Day and Indepence Day) were vacation days, and on each of THOSE days I was on the road to or from Philadelphia. We've put over 10,000 miles of medical travel since January. I'm tired - mentally, emotionally and spiritually empty.
Babygirl's labs this week are better. Not great, but better - so we aren't being readmitted this week for another biopsy. She has an appointment on Monday, and Hubby is going to take her. Me? I'm leaving town.
This Saturday at 8 AM our mission team leaves for Appalachia. I have no idea where we are going, what we are doing, or even who is on the team this year. I am GOING. Worst case? Babygirl's numbers tank and she's readmitted for another biopsy. It's Hubby's turn LOL. Best case? They go and come home with an appointment in two weeks. Either way, I'm shutting my brain off and going to the land of NoCellPhoneService. I went shopping last night and bought a drill, granny panties comfy Walmart jeans. I'm swinging hammers, tightening loose screws and installing insulation, or maybe digging a ditch. I don't care. I'm GOING.
I'm the only person I know whose life is so pathetic that I plan on resting my heart and mind while working myself into dehydration and muscle cramps.
This is AWESOME.
DeeDee
We've had three hospitalizations spread out over four months. Since Beach Week I doubt I've worked more than two full weeks, but none of the days I took off (save Memorial Day and Indepence Day) were vacation days, and on each of THOSE days I was on the road to or from Philadelphia. We've put over 10,000 miles of medical travel since January. I'm tired - mentally, emotionally and spiritually empty.
Babygirl's labs this week are better. Not great, but better - so we aren't being readmitted this week for another biopsy. She has an appointment on Monday, and Hubby is going to take her. Me? I'm leaving town.
This Saturday at 8 AM our mission team leaves for Appalachia. I have no idea where we are going, what we are doing, or even who is on the team this year. I am GOING. Worst case? Babygirl's numbers tank and she's readmitted for another biopsy. It's Hubby's turn LOL. Best case? They go and come home with an appointment in two weeks. Either way, I'm shutting my brain off and going to the land of NoCellPhoneService. I went shopping last night and bought a drill, granny panties comfy Walmart jeans. I'm swinging hammers, tightening loose screws and installing insulation, or maybe digging a ditch. I don't care. I'm GOING.
I'm the only person I know whose life is so pathetic that I plan on resting my heart and mind while working myself into dehydration and muscle cramps.
This is AWESOME.
DeeDee
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Cacophony.....
I value silence. When I adopted Curlygirl, I discovered that there are people who not only do NOT value silence but thrive on chaos. In order to maintain my sanity, I became a morning person, arising early to enjoy the paper or a book on the porch before the day got crazy. It is still very important to me to have at least a little quiet time each day.
Still, one doesn't survive mothering up to seven kids at one time without adjusting to a little hullabaloo. But what amazes me is that I've learned to love it, at least a little at a time.
So today, when Curlygirl and Boo'sMommy were playing the new version of Monopoly with the radio blaring; and Squeaker's dad in the next room with something loud on the TV; and Babygirl rattling pans from the dishwasher while I tried not to trip over Boo and prepped dinner; and hubby running some power tool in the basement to classic rock, I didn't feel stressed. I felt blessed.
Sometimes there is great peace in cacophony. If the noise means that most of the people you love are safe under one roof, enjoying each other's company without strife, it is enough.
DeeDee
Still, one doesn't survive mothering up to seven kids at one time without adjusting to a little hullabaloo. But what amazes me is that I've learned to love it, at least a little at a time.
So today, when Curlygirl and Boo'sMommy were playing the new version of Monopoly with the radio blaring; and Squeaker's dad in the next room with something loud on the TV; and Babygirl rattling pans from the dishwasher while I tried not to trip over Boo and prepped dinner; and hubby running some power tool in the basement to classic rock, I didn't feel stressed. I felt blessed.
Sometimes there is great peace in cacophony. If the noise means that most of the people you love are safe under one roof, enjoying each other's company without strife, it is enough.
DeeDee
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Week Sixty-three - Letting It Go.....
Mindfullness. I remember that word - being fully where you are, focused on NOW and not the gajillion or so things that you coudn't possible have any impact on by moving your focus to them anyway.
I'm still not very good at it.
Last night was another essentially sleepless one. The insomnia feels somewhat random to me, although I notice that it seems to occur on nights when I know I have to be driving a lot the next day. But I suspect last night was simply leftover adrenaline. The mention of the possibility of another hospital stay definitely squeezed my adrenal glands. And the fact that I wasted time trying to explain my feelings to my older brother made me more wound up.
For the most part I have accepted where I can and cannot get support. I know that my mom's dementia is advancing, and no longer try to redirect her when she asks the same question a hundred times, and rarely update her on day-to-day data because she can remember feeling bad about things, but not WHY she feels bad. I have good friends, one brother who expresses empathy, and a wonderful hubby. But the fact of the matter is that we rarely come down here together, so we both face most of the processing without each other.
I think I needed to just have a good cry, and it happened that I needed to do it when I was with someone who couldn't respond to that need. So although I didn't actually feel like crying in the night, I would have been better off if I could have. Poor hubby - it will all fall on him later one way or another, but he is without question one of the most empathetic people I know, so it will all work out.
So for today, here is my goal: To let it go. It's the Fourth. I'm going to make an awesome fruit salad that Babygirl can actually eat. I'm going to take her and my niece and nephew to one of the coolest parades around, eat food that's deliciously bad for me and enjoy the company of people I don't get to see nearly often enough. I'm going to ogle the Bolivian dancers and laugh at the Mummers and the Librarian's Drill Team (yeah, seriously - librarians marching with book carts - they rock). I'm likely to have a drink in a red Solo cup. And I've downloaded a coupon for 20% off at Perkins for the home journey. And I've made the home journey on the night of the Fourth many a time - we'll see fireworks all the way home from the tops of the mountains.
You know, I think putting that plan into writing just dropped my blood pressure about 20 points.
DeeDee
I'm still not very good at it.
Last night was another essentially sleepless one. The insomnia feels somewhat random to me, although I notice that it seems to occur on nights when I know I have to be driving a lot the next day. But I suspect last night was simply leftover adrenaline. The mention of the possibility of another hospital stay definitely squeezed my adrenal glands. And the fact that I wasted time trying to explain my feelings to my older brother made me more wound up.
For the most part I have accepted where I can and cannot get support. I know that my mom's dementia is advancing, and no longer try to redirect her when she asks the same question a hundred times, and rarely update her on day-to-day data because she can remember feeling bad about things, but not WHY she feels bad. I have good friends, one brother who expresses empathy, and a wonderful hubby. But the fact of the matter is that we rarely come down here together, so we both face most of the processing without each other.
I think I needed to just have a good cry, and it happened that I needed to do it when I was with someone who couldn't respond to that need. So although I didn't actually feel like crying in the night, I would have been better off if I could have. Poor hubby - it will all fall on him later one way or another, but he is without question one of the most empathetic people I know, so it will all work out.
So for today, here is my goal: To let it go. It's the Fourth. I'm going to make an awesome fruit salad that Babygirl can actually eat. I'm going to take her and my niece and nephew to one of the coolest parades around, eat food that's deliciously bad for me and enjoy the company of people I don't get to see nearly often enough. I'm going to ogle the Bolivian dancers and laugh at the Mummers and the Librarian's Drill Team (yeah, seriously - librarians marching with book carts - they rock). I'm likely to have a drink in a red Solo cup. And I've downloaded a coupon for 20% off at Perkins for the home journey. And I've made the home journey on the night of the Fourth many a time - we'll see fireworks all the way home from the tops of the mountains.
You know, I think putting that plan into writing just dropped my blood pressure about 20 points.
DeeDee
Monday, May 14, 2012
Happy Mother's Day.....
It WAS a happy day. My mom was there, although it took several reminders to make sure she made it. Curlygirl, BoosMommy and Babygirl were all there. Hubby made a roast chicken and a roast ham, with brownies with ice cream for dessert. The girls did the dishes. Boo got to practice her toddling. Squeaker was delightfully charming. Citygirl sent flowers, as did Babygirl and her dad!
The only work I did prior to the Mother's Day celebration was to load the food into the oven, since Hubby works on Sunday mornings.
And then, by 3 PM, it was over. Curlygirl and Hubby left for today's appointment in Philadelphia. The other girls and the babies went home. Mom and I had some coffee together, and she left.
So I did some work. I brought all the remaining dialysis crap downstairs for pickup later this week. I'd managed to forget just how heavy 22 pound boxes are! I was sweating when I finished. I took Simon for a walk, to the river park and the river walk, making sure to keep him away from the water - his spaniel side REALLY pushes him to chase ducks! I ate too many leftover brownies. I sat in my outdoor haven and read a little before the twilight faded completely. It was a good day.
I'm learning, mostly, to let the regret that it wasn't a completely "normal" day wash past me. I felt it more at Easter, when the pressure of what is usually a happy, quiet holiday hit me harder. Learning to fit family time into a significantly truncated day has been challenging, and I found it impossible to simply relax and let the day flow as best it could. I did better yesterday. I'll do better next time.
Besides, the next holiday is Memorial Day. Camping IS relaxing! Okay, it's a germ extravaganza, and the first attempt since Babygirl's diagnosis, but at least we aren't hauling the dialysis machine along. Hand sanitizer....hand sanitizer....hand sanitizer....
Hmmm....
I'm clearly still having stress management issues LOL.
DeeDee
The only work I did prior to the Mother's Day celebration was to load the food into the oven, since Hubby works on Sunday mornings.
And then, by 3 PM, it was over. Curlygirl and Hubby left for today's appointment in Philadelphia. The other girls and the babies went home. Mom and I had some coffee together, and she left.
So I did some work. I brought all the remaining dialysis crap downstairs for pickup later this week. I'd managed to forget just how heavy 22 pound boxes are! I was sweating when I finished. I took Simon for a walk, to the river park and the river walk, making sure to keep him away from the water - his spaniel side REALLY pushes him to chase ducks! I ate too many leftover brownies. I sat in my outdoor haven and read a little before the twilight faded completely. It was a good day.
I'm learning, mostly, to let the regret that it wasn't a completely "normal" day wash past me. I felt it more at Easter, when the pressure of what is usually a happy, quiet holiday hit me harder. Learning to fit family time into a significantly truncated day has been challenging, and I found it impossible to simply relax and let the day flow as best it could. I did better yesterday. I'll do better next time.
Besides, the next holiday is Memorial Day. Camping IS relaxing! Okay, it's a germ extravaganza, and the first attempt since Babygirl's diagnosis, but at least we aren't hauling the dialysis machine along. Hand sanitizer....hand sanitizer....hand sanitizer....
Hmmm....
I'm clearly still having stress management issues LOL.
DeeDee
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