Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Week One-oh-Three - Grace....

The Grace Period.  That small span of time when you are learning a new job, a new skill, a new culture and the people around you don't expect anything of you because you know nothing about what you are doing.  That gift given to you by friends and strangers alike that allows you to bumble along without apology or expectation. 

The people who love me are full of grace.  They pick up the slack, the loose ends, the pieces.  Nobody expects me to do more.  No one asks favors.  No one lays a sense of obligation on me for favors given freely.  No one tells me to buck up or suck it up.  No one tells me to get over it and move on.  No one tells me to just get used to it. 

Nobody but me.  From the inside comes tremendous pressure to pull myself together and get a move on.  I want to get back up to full speed at work.  I want to take better care of my mom.  I want to get back on track with exercise.  I want to pull the church choir back together.  I want to be on time for Sunday School.  I want to run a fundraiser for the mission team.  There is no end to the number of things I feel like I should be on top of, from housework to homework;  from education to educating.

There is no way to be on top of all that stuff.  I sometimes feel like a rousing success if I'm not UNDERNEATH all that stuff. 

I've never been good at allowing myself a Grace Period.  And good Lord, it's been nearly TWO years since the last time I thought things were 'normal.'  I SHOULD get on with it, get used to it, get over it.

But I can't.  Allowing myself grace is nearly as far out of my reach as accepting life as it is and moving on.


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