Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Year Three, Week 24 - Courage to Admit It...

Babygirl grumbled and complained about missing another day of school to go to Philly.  She's generally pretty good about the crap that goes with being sick a lot, but this one just made her angry somehow.  We got to our home-away-from-home Sunday, and were both hit with a big batch of I-Can't-Sleep.  Since we share a room there, we had some slumber party style conversation.  If kids at slumber parties talk about being chronically ill, or insomnia, or hating to miss school and stuff like that.

I find Babygirl's anger to be a good thing.  It means she' thinking for herself, looking for her own path and coping with her feelings - finally admitting out loud how strong those feelings are.  She as much as said that she doesn't feel like anything is actually different with her life, or it wouldn't be - if she were allowed to just live it.

She has a point.

So we drove to the city and saw the docs and got the results of the tests and drove home and went back to living our lives. 

And I contemplated what I've learned this week about courage.

Babygirl's, in accepting all that's happened and still carrying on with her life.  Her courage is letting the anger out but not letting it stop or change her.

Her doctors', in being willing to say when they don't completely understand what is causing a problem and being willing to let things evolve without intervening in ways that could make things worse.

Mine, for not jumping in and demanding an answer - for being able to come to grips with the fact that we'll never in this life have the answer to most of our questions anyway.  Loving Babygirl is a gift beyond all price, and there is no amount of sickness or sorrow that can make that gift less.  Living our lives to the fullest possible measure within the context of the limitations we've been given appears to me to be the only possible path to Joy.  Living in denial of reality is not an option.

Admitting the limits of our strength and knowledge is infinitely preferable to playing make-believe.  Carrying on despite those gaps, in the knowledge and full acceptance of those limits seems to me to be a better choice that building our lives on false hopes and fake sunshine. 

The solid foundation of my faith is built on Truth.  The foundation of my hope is Love.  The reality of our lives does not alter either of these things in any way.


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