A friend who follows the blog and I were chatting the other day. Babygirl's tendency to catch every bug and miss a lot of school was clearly on her mind when she asked, "So, is this as good as it gets?"
It's a good question, and one I'd probably prefer not to think about. Babygirl has yet to make it to a swim practice because of illness. She's in school today, but there's no practice on Friday, and she wouldn't have made it if there were - she left school early because of a headache. Saturday practice is from 10 - 12. Her tutor is coming at 11. She needs the tutor - she's already missed 10 days of school, give or take. When she's feeling well, she feels GREAT. And when she's not, it stinks. She'd have been back to school yesterday except that she woke up with a blinding migraine (you know it's not going to be a great day when your kid arrives at the breakfast table wearing sunglasses).
There is no way for me to guess how the next day is going to go, let alone the next week, month, year. I do my very best to enjoy each day for whatever it brings, rejoicing when (if) we are healthy, and relaxing if (when!) we aren't. I'm hoping that this past months' ill health is a run of crappy luck and nothing more. Because I really, REALLY don't want this to be as good as it gets. I want to be able to breathe well enough to exercise again (I actually made it to work out 3 times this week, but it was a struggle). I want Hubby's back to heal so that every movement isn't some form of torture. I want Babygirl to have no reason to expect that she's going to get sick on any given day.
I guess what I'd really wish is to catch a time machine and go back about 3 years so I could spend this month looking forward to a winter of skiing with Babygirl and JujuBee instead of Philly runs. I'd like to go back to being able to plan more than 24 hours ahead, instead of planning Baked Potato Bar night with friends (a great way to entertain, by the way) and ending up in the ER instead. I'd like to go back to being the mom of the kid with perfect school attendence.
I've always seen myself as fairly flexible. I may be slightly (ahemmm) Type A, but I'm not "Plan A," meaning that if our first plan doesn't work, I'm willing to go with the flow instead of struggling to meet an unattainable expectation (can't go camping this weekend? How about a barbecue at home instead?). But lately it feels as if so very MANY of our expectations are unattainable. Babygirl's limits limit all of us, all of the time, and my life sometimes feels almost claustrophobic.
There is no profound take-home lesson here. It simply sucks. I often say, "It is what it is." Accepting hard times alternating with good times is natural. Adjusting to hard times as a more permanent condition of life? Less so.
What if this IS as good as it gets?
God grant me the grace to be grateful. Because at the bottom of it all, it is good; and it's much, much better than it was.