We are getting into the rhythm of the school year, making time for packing lunches, going to bed earlier, getting up on time. Babygirl is enjoying school (so far) and has no concerns or complaints. There are no reports of anyone sick at school, but I'm still picking up one or two strep throats a week in the office, and we're in the same neighborhood.
Babygirl's transplant is a miracle, for sure. But I've replaced my over-the-top worrying from last fall (she's not getting enough sleep, she feels crappy, she's in pain ALL the time!) with a chronic, simmering, low-level anxiety. She doesn't have enough neutrophils. She's had this before, and last time she got very sick. She could get another mouth ulcer, and that would be a doorway directly from her germy mouth to the rest of her body. She doesn't look the same and I don't want her to be bullied.
Please, God - I just don't want her to suffer any more than she already has.
To all outward appearances she is a happy, healthy, normal little girl. And I do my very level best to make sure that my anxieties remain MINE, not hers. If she has worries I want her to be able to tell me without worrying about whether I can take more stress. It's not that she shouldn't know I'm concerned. I just don't want her to know I'm obsessed.
It's a fine line. Hubby feels it too, and we continue to keep an eye on each other for signs that one or the other of us needs a break. My recent migraine has him noticeably worried, so at least for a while, the focus is away from Babygirl LOL.
I used to think there was a limit to how long any one stressor could possibly last. I know better now. My hat is off to all of the parents out there who've been dealing with a chronically ill child! Bless the moms who are raising autistic kids. Bless the dads who hold a child's hand through chemo. Bless every parent who has ever fought a school for a child who needs something extra to succeed.
But I wouldn't change any of it, not one minute, if it meant I couldn't be Babygirl's mom. She is, without a doubt, the blessing that keeps us going.